Formula 1: Vettel changes his name, Mercedes in red, Schumacher rejects Ferrari change


Formula 1 is in the starting blocks – and with it a German secret agent on behalf of the points hunt: Sebastian Vettel. A humorous outlook on the 2021 season.

Munich – His name is Vettel, Sebastian Vettel. And he drives a car that Aston Martin designer Q has equipped with a rocket launcher.

What does the new year bring? The prospect of a spectacular Formula 1 season in 2021, at the end of which Lewis Hamilton needs more than just a quantum of consolation.

April: Because of Corona, the appointment calendar has to be completely overturned again. As in 2020, Formula 1 will again drive on completely unfamiliar routes. After his opening win in Bahrain, secret agent Vettel also wins the second race at the EuroSpeedway in Lusatia in the Aston Martin AMR21, which he dubbed “Miss Moneypenny”. When overtaking Checo Perez in the Red Bull, a message from Q to Helmut Marko on the Aston Martin rear spoiler unfolds: “Dr., No!” Fernando Alonso is only ninth in the Alpine and is in a bad mood.

May: At the Sicilian Grand Prix at the Circuito di Siracusa, the early Canada race, Lewis Hamilton pits at halftime and continues to negotiate with Toto Wolff. Because what nobody knew: So far, he’s still on the road without a signed contract. After the preliminary agreement, Lewis will only be 16th – although he now also has Sebastian Vettel’s airy Strietzel-Stuck hairstyle. Three kilos of weight saved! Checo Perez wins and calls for a better number two at Red Bull.

Formula 1 2021: Vettel tries rocket launcher – regulations reveal surprising things

June: Vettel wins the Pas-de-Calais Grand Prix in Croix-en-Ternois, France, after shooting the leading Perez’s tires with a rocket launcher. A check reveals that rocket launchers are not expressly prohibited by the regulations. A rocket launcher arms race begins. Alpine driver and team principal Fernando Alonso is in a very bad mood and is constructing his own car.

July: At the Wachau Grand Prix on the Wachauring in Melk (Lower Austria), 00-Seb reveals why he is driving so fast again thanks to warmth: “Faster, with love.” Team owner Lawrence Stroll adopts Wachau winner Vettel, who is now on the road as Sebastian Strottel .

August: Fernando Alonso in a good mood sensationally wins the Middle Franconia Grand Prix at the Norisring in the Superalonso F1-21. He takes the lead from Checo Perez in the Grundig-Kehre. 00-Seb fails – and shoots himself with a rocket seat from the racing car directly into his Aston Martin convertible in the paddock, with which he drives to the Albrecht Dürer airport.

September: The Mercedes is painted in red for the first time at the Grand Prix of Saxony-Anhalt in Oschersleben. Reason: Lewis Hamilton wants to use the “Red Lives Matter” campaign to draw attention to the many British sunburn victims on Mallorca vacation. Shortly before the end of the race, Lewis pays homage to the venue: It stops because the final details of the contract still need to be clarified. This has happened for the seventh time this year. Daniel Ricciardo wins and is in a good mood.

Sebastian Vettel becomes world champion without a fight – Mick Schumacher refuses relegation to Ferrari

October: Because of Charles Leclerc’s third corona infection, Haas driver Mick Schumacher is said to be driving the Ferrari at the Scottish Grand Prix at the Knockhill Racing Circuit in Dunfermline (a rain race). But he refuses because he does not want to deteriorate in sports. Teammate Nikita Mazepin also stays with Haas, although his role in Russian soft porn “Kasatschok in Kaliningrad” causes a scandal. Team boss Günther Steiner explains with a song by Elton John why he cannot do without the oligarchs’ money: “Nikita, I need you so.” Fernando Alonso, who is his own race engineer for the first time, wins and invents something while driving Coronavirus agent.

November: Sebastian Strottel, who competes under the stage name Vettel again, wins both the Volga Grand Prix at the NRing Circuit in Nizhny Novgorod and the season finale, the Norwegian Grand Prix at the Rudskogen Motorsenter in Rakkestad. Because Checo Perez gets frostbite on his toes at -17 degrees on Saturday, 00-Vettel becomes world champion without a fight. Because Q has designed a brilliant winter tire heater that also prevents ice cubes from forming in the gasoline system.

The strong World Cup third Fernando Alonso receives a Quantum Prost from the Alpine consultant and becomes King of Spain.

Oh yes: Valtteri Bottas wants to beat Lewis Hamilton and become world champion in 2022.

List of rubric lists: © IMAGO / Sven Simon

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Formula Vettel Mercedes red Schumacher rejects Ferrari change


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